What I did to the Geek.....

Y'all know I've been offline for a handful of days because I was experiencing computer problems that required proper repair.  Lots of you know too that I've had/got shingles, and it puts you out, I can tell you.  And for me, it makes a lot of everyday things an effort, which has made me a bit short tempered.  I know it's hard to get your head around that failing in me, but I admit it, I'm sure eventually, I'll grow out of it. Now you may also know that I dread a computer failure because as good as he is, the Geek is not user friendly.  I took the PC tower in, he unscrewed the large panel and suggested that the fan was probably clogged with dust because I don't have the tower somewhere well ventilated and dust free.  He's right.  It's on a tower stand in my house.  Not a nuclear laboratory.  I don't empty the hoover bag into it every week, mostly because it would mean visiting him more often.   He noted too that one of the USB ports is mangled..and said he recognised  a common accident  - a memory stick was in the port and I must have hoovered up to it at an oblique angle and broken it off, goodbye memory stick, hello mangled port.  It didn't happen that way...mostly on account of the fact that the USB port is about 2 feet off the floor, but hey, he didn't hear me the first time after all - too busy talking over me.
I left the PC with him for diagnosis, mending and a RAM upgrade.  It's ready and perfect when I collect and I'm a happy bunny.  Until he starts about the grime that he cleaned out and the implication that I don't keep house in the computer department too well.  I was obliged to point out that a lot of his customers would be very upset about his inference and may not come back - and added, for the sake of friendly banter that luckily, I was less sensitive than that.  Ha Ha.  He was offended, actually, which I do give him credit for!  And then he lifted the keyboard from under the counter to tap in some details for an invoice.  And I damn nearly fainted.  It was so, so filthy that I couldn't keep quiet.  Some of the keys - the shift in particular, had a ridge - A RIDGE of gunk around the swiped area that the thumb continually hits. It may be that I went over the top when I said I dread to think what their staff loo was like.  But I was in mild shock.  Honest, I ain't house proud, but I know clean from dirty!  So he gets the hump and says if he spent all his time cleaning up, he wouldn't be able to mend computers so quickly.  I pointed out that if he cleaned once, it would take all of 10 minutes a day to keep his shabby premises clean.  It was all banter, but we both meant it.  I paid, remarked that he'd probably put a curse on me now, and left.
This is getting rather long..but I need you to have a feel for it.  Really I do.
At home, Mr D sets it all back up because I'm off for a nap and he has an urgent need to access dome business stuff.  When I surface and try to use it, the keyboard won't work.  And nor does the sound.  Argh.  Pull tower out, get glasses, get phone, sit on floor and stare hard at the back of the tower.  It's all colour coded these days - did you know?  The purple end of the keyboard wire plugs into the purple port, the blue end of the mouse into the blue port -----and so on.  So I'm completely baffled because it's all plugged and ported correctly.  I note that the purple (keyboard) plug isn't as far in as it should be.  Ease it out, compare pins in plug to holes in port.  (OK, I had to use my glasses and a magnifying glass).  Ring the Geek - to ask about the sound problem and check it's ok to erm..'ease' a couple of pins apart - they've been pushed together and don't now match the socket. 
Naturally, I get a lecture about closing everything down first..fine.  He gets really cross when I accidentally out of habit close down but allow it to install updates.  He was incredulous; you know - when someone's being really stupid and you say something like 'you mean to tell me...' , so I talked him around -  while we're waiting for that, talk to me about the lack of sound.  He explained at great l e n g t h and in words of simple syllable construction about the 3 pastel coloured plugs...mauve light blue and pink.  And that to achieve sound, the speaker wire needs to be plugged into its corresponding colour. OK light blue to light blue.   Re-start computer.  Still not working.  Close down again.  I did the same thing again with the update button -just to annoy him.  Use lovely fine perfect craft tweezers to ease the pins apart so that the keyboard plug re-fits perfectly.  Score, Julia.  Start computer...keyboard works fine.  Spend half an hour going through instructions - click this, click that..blah blah..to discover sound isn't that easy to achieve.  He suggests with a sigh,  bring the tower back tomorrow, I really can't do any more by phone because you don't know enough to follow my further instructions properly. Oh really.  Well, I'll have to see. I'm busy.  Being cross.
Anyway....long story huh.  Want a punchline?  I was so utterly peeved this morning that I can't catch up with iPlayer that I decided to just try another colour of plug for my light blue speaker cable. So then I had to ring again.  He answered 'Hello Julia, love'  and explained we were on speaker phone because he and a couple of customers were 'busy' - with their hands, presumably.  So I told them and him that I'd sussed the sound problem out on my own.  I'd plugged the light blue cable into the pink port and it works a treat.  Thanks for all your help. Perhaps it's better not to call me 'love' when we've been arguing!